I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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