So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
