I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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