We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize