So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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