U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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