I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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