looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
