Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
