So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
