My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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