I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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