in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
