At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
