Got a toothbrush?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
did you just send me my own nude
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
