Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
