I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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