youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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