if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
im on a boat
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