I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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