her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
