Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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