I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
