Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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