Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
