Grow some girl-balls and come out already
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
