i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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