so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
