Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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