How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
