Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
