My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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