Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize