Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
