We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
