He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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