Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize