I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
