Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
