If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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