All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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