Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize