I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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