My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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