Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
