i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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