dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
