Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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