All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
