dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
