Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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