I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
