i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
