there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
