i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
