oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
