I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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