For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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