I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
