life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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