I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
