Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
